my thirties and all these inner renovations

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I was telling Brian yesterday that my thirties have felt like living in a house I grew up in but the last couple of years God decided to do a major gut job on it. The walls have come down, the ceilings are gone, the floors are removed and there is deep repair being done — and it’s a lot worse than I thought! Lately I’m starting to catch a vision of the restored house He is building. Even though the place looks destroyed and I’m honestly a little scared of what we will uncover next, there is a quiet contentment growing within me — perhaps finally trusting the process.

My thirties have been glorious in this way. Where there was once an impatient “When in the heck will this project be finished?!” I have learned it’s gonna take a while. I’m weary of rushing and I’m learning to be present, teachable, and confident in good deep work. And that’s a good thing.

I discovered that the foundation I was standing on can’t actually sustain the trauma and weight of my humanity, but He is uncovering another foundation that is simple and pure and stronger than I hoped. I’m in awe and I’m a mess — coughing up sheetrock dust and fretting over what this might cost me, but somehow just when the pain feels unbearable He provides just enough.

Enough strength to rise in the morning. Enough patience to look into another difficult chapter. Enough joy to laugh my head off at my child’s hilarity. Enough money to take care of myself, go to therapy, get a massage, and eat a nice meal out with my husband. Enough strength to journal into anxiety that feels so vague. Enough courage to take a chance on new friendships. Enough faith to keep talking to Jesus.

I’m convinced there is wholeness ahead, there is wholeness now. And more than anything I’m willing to slow down to find it, soak it in, and celebrate these thousand gifts around me.

So here’s to 32 and all the messes and healing and beauty to be found right here.