and I'm still learning how to take up space

The words still rattle around in my head most days, those words I typed here on New Years’ all about taking up space and shining brighter.

It’s been half a year and I’m not really sure how much progress I’ve made, but the embers are still hot.

I feel like the first half of this year tried to bury me under a truckload of anxiety and unworthiness. I felt a heaviness around my neck making it hard to breathe and get out of bed. I wanted to hide, not shine. I wanted to become invisible, not take up more space.

I don’t yet understand all of the layers to my hesitation to show up in the world — for myself and as myself.

But I’m pulling back those layers a little at a time. I’m thankful that Jesus is pushing back the darkness too. I feel like every season of depression I’ve faced in my life I wasn’t able to name until after I broke through it. Anyone else relate? It comes on so slowly that it feels like I’ve always felt this way … and that I’ll never feel any different.

Praise God that wasn’t true. The heaviness is lifting and the sunshine filling up my dining room is giving me all kinds of joy … reminding me to get back up, rise, and shine. It’s time to take up a little more space.

“Years ago,
you did not know
you would be here.
You did not know
you would need to be as strong
as you are having to be right now.
But through it all you did not know,
you miraculously continued to grow.
You kept going,
you kept the faith,
and this prepared you
for today.”

— @morganharpernichols